Growing up, I was never the little girl who dreamed of a house with a white picket fence, children, or marriage. From an early age, I imagined myself in a downtown penthouse with floor-to-ceiling windows, steel stairs, and separate bedrooms for my partner and me. I understood even then that there were complexities within me that wouldn’t align with the traditional approach to relationships, despite my belief in certain gender roles. For instance, I never longed for love. I’ve certainly felt it, but the desire for it was never there. A part of me always believed I’d eventually just settle and choose a spouse around the age of 30, simply because that’s what society tells us to do, have our marital status figured out by then.
Looking back, I realize that if I had entered into a serious commitment before 30, I would almost certainly be divorced by now.
After committing to singleness for the past two years—and dedicating two years prior to that to discovery and vulnerability—I’ve finally reached a place I didn’t think was possible: I now feel the desire to give love and to be loved.
This realization hit me like a ton of bricks this week while I was journaling. I was writing about my car issues and, for the first time in a long while, I found myself missing a masculine presence in my life. It wasn’t about the lack of sex or companionship; it was about being stranded on the side of the freeway with only AAA and my little sister to call for help. My car had just come out of the shop two days before, and I let my mind run wild with cynical thoughts about the auto shop. They let me pay $1,500 for services, and now my transmission was failing (it wasn’t my transmission, lol). Was this happening because I’m a woman? If I had a man, he’d talk me through my emotions logically, I thought. If I had a man, maybe I wouldn’t be on the side of the road at all.
The next morning, I sat with myself, reflecting on all the things I missed about having masculine energy in my life. Their presence alone is so undervalued—the calm voice during chaos that isn’t really chaos but feels like it. The solutions when I don’t even understand the problem. The insight on everything unfamiliar to me. Their provision, suggestions, and input. The hugs, forehead kisses, and, yes, even the playful butt slaps. I realized that I desire these things.
I’m at a point in my journey where expressing this desire feels necessary and reflects my healing. It’s important to counter outdated beliefs with new ones. My God, I’ve come such a long way. This healed version of myself anticipates a love beyond anything I could’ve ever imagined, and I refuse to settle, no matter how long it takes for that love to find me. But I definitely look forward to becoming one of those bitches who always says, “Let me check with my man first,” lol.